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MFA in Writing at Vermont College

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A blog about blog

Strange things keep me up at night.  No… I am not talking about the monster under the bed, the strange creaking from the other side of the house or my wife’s snoring.  I am talking about those bothersome questions that itch at your mind like a pestering fly. 

Last night’s fly was the word blog.  I mean what exactly does the word mean?  I have my name on a blog and I still don’t know the definition.  After a restless night sleep I did the only reasonable thing I could think of… I swatted that pestering flea by looking up the definition this morning. 

A blog (a blend of the term web log)

I didn’t see that one coming!

So a blog is like the Brangelina of the web.  Or maybe the Bennifer of the internet. 

I love words like this!  I mean who has time to say all the words when you can just blend them together.  Instead of telling someone how obnoxious their fake house plants are I can simply say, “Dude, ugly flants!”  How easy was that? 

So in honor of the word blog I have decided to smush words together to make one.  Here is my list:

Those people who speak like a text.  OMG I am so LOL right now!

People who drive and talk on their cell phone

That’s me and my wifeJ Hi Honey!

Shampoo and Conditioner in the same convenient bottle!

All that irritating gunk I find in my library books (See previous blog!)

My hairstyle at the moment.  Half bald-Half hair. All Bair!

Those huge oversized chairs that can seat an entire family.

Can you say back hair?  That guy is soooo Bairy!

For when the word Cell Phone takes too long to utter. Would you answer your clone!

Vegetable Pizza just doesn’t flow off the tongue as well. 

My swivel chair at work! I swear by my swair.

The stress I am feeling right about now about writing this critical essay

I can’t wait to tell people to read my blog about smurds!

I will leave you to figure that one out.

Friday, January 6, 2012

A Plea to All Librarians (Addendum to What’s That Stain)

Dear Librarians,

Library books are not science experiments.  Please do not allow fungus, mold or terminal diseases to grow in the spine of old books.  Anything with hair does not belong attached to the cover.  And any book published this year should not be the same color of Egyptian hieroglyphs.  

Please post “No Eating” signs on every shelf.  Please prohibit all liquids from entering the library.  There must be no licking of fingers before turning the page.  I would be quite pleased if you could require all children to wear masks and gloves while reading.  Oh and please do not allow babies to spit up on the picture books. 

For those visual learners out there please allow me to provide you with pictures of what not to do with library books.

  • Do not dog ear the page (this makes me wonder what on the page was important)


  •  Please do not make spade shapes over words

  • Do not practice finger printing on the bottom of each page 

  • Do not eat French Fries while reading Page 6 (or any page for that matter)

  • Do not eat Cheetos while reading (anywhere/anytime!)

  • Do not draw arrows to random words (this makes me wonder why that word was so important)

     ·    For the love of all that is humane- Do not do whatever this is!