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MFA in Writing at Vermont College

Friday, January 6, 2012

A Plea to All Librarians (Addendum to What’s That Stain)

Dear Librarians,

Library books are not science experiments.  Please do not allow fungus, mold or terminal diseases to grow in the spine of old books.  Anything with hair does not belong attached to the cover.  And any book published this year should not be the same color of Egyptian hieroglyphs.  

Please post “No Eating” signs on every shelf.  Please prohibit all liquids from entering the library.  There must be no licking of fingers before turning the page.  I would be quite pleased if you could require all children to wear masks and gloves while reading.  Oh and please do not allow babies to spit up on the picture books. 

For those visual learners out there please allow me to provide you with pictures of what not to do with library books.

  • Do not dog ear the page (this makes me wonder what on the page was important)


  •  Please do not make spade shapes over words

  • Do not practice finger printing on the bottom of each page 

  • Do not eat French Fries while reading Page 6 (or any page for that matter)

  • Do not eat Cheetos while reading (anywhere/anytime!)

  • Do not draw arrows to random words (this makes me wonder why that word was so important)

     ·    For the love of all that is humane- Do not do whatever this is!

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