I am just about
through the birthday gauntlet!
January and
February are like a landmine of birthdays for my family. I have three family members who celebrate
birthdays in January and another three in February. That is six presents, six cards and six family
parties in the span of eight weeks.
Coming off the Christmas holiday, this stretch can break even the strongest
of birthday party-goers. Add in two weeks of classes in Vermont and I am pretty
much exhausted.
So, I admit I
pulled a truly bad uncle move this week.
I combined two of these birthdays into one trip. That is right- I took my two nephews to
McDonalds to celebrate their birthdays together. Hey, it sounded good at the time. I would get a little nephew-uncle bonding
time. I would give my sister a bit of a
break. I would get two birthdays out of
the way. And I would come across as the
fun uncle.
Now, anyone out
there with kids is laughing at me right now.
Because a trip to McDonalds with a four and six year-old is not as easy
as it sounds. Let’s just say I am out of
kid shape! I have muscles that hurt that
I never knew existed.
Here are the
lessons learned from my innocent birthday trip to McDonalds:
Houdini would
have had a difficult time getting out of a car seat.
How
many buckles do these things have anyways?
And of course one kid can easily undo the seat and jump out of the car while
the other is stuck like he’s in a straitjacket.
Kids don’t wait patiently by the car for their brother either.
People go through
the drive-thru because they are in a hurry.
Seriously,
it was like Frogger crossing the parking lot. I don’t even think people slow down at the
window, they just speed right through.
It was like Mario Andretti snatching a Happy Meal!
Kids don’t do
well with lines.
They can’t stand still and have
the attention span of a gnat.
Kids can smell a
crappy Happy Meal toy a mile away.
There
is no pulling one over on kids. They may
be young but they understand a scam when they see one.
Chicken Nugget is
false advertising.
That wasn’t chicken is all I’m
saying.
McDonalds Play Land
is about as sanitary as a still pond in the Amazon.
The
little kid drooling all over the slide put me over the edge. I didn’t know this was a water park! And unlike every mother on this planet… I do
not carry hand sanitizer everywhere I go.
Ice Cream cones
are not designed to be eaten over time.
I
consider my nephews pretty bright but why they couldn’t figure out that ice cream
melts, I have no idea. And unlike every
mother on this planet… I do not carry wet naps everywhere I go.
Kids, for some
unknown reason, enjoy screaming.
They
enjoy screaming at one another, at other kids, at adults, at mirrors, at
slides, at windows, at tables, at milkshakes, at store clerks, at climbing
ropes, at ball bins, at ceiling fans, at French fries, at the ketchup stand and
at one over-stimulated uncle!
Gobs of dried and
crusty ketchup are just gross!
Do kids dip their fries right on
the table? Seriously?
Kids have worse
hearing than old people.
I
vote for hearing aids for all kids under the age of eight because they obviously
can’t hear the words, “it’s time to go home.”
Kids that can climb
twenty feet high through a tiny little slide tube have the upper hand on
adults.
A parent elevator would have
come in handy, Mr. Ronald McDonald!
And speaking of Ronald
McDonald… he is one creepy dude.
What is he? A clown?
I’m not sure what’s going on with that guy.
Video games are
melting kids’ minds.
With
a huge climbing apparatus, numerous slides, a gigantic tub of balls to crawl in
and new Happy Meal toys within arms-reach my nephews only had eyes for the little
video game station in the corner. I would
have NASCARed it through the drive-thru, taken the food home and sat on my
sister’s couch if I wanted to watch them play video games. Get outside kids! Run around!
Be creative!
Perhaps I should
have gone back to school to become a video game designer and not a children’s
writer.
